I’m Actual
“Clear your head” I repeated to myself once again as I laced my running shoes hastily.
“Get outside” I repeated to myself once again as I tied the knot quickly.
My hands were quaking. I could feel the violent vibrations shuddering through the strings as I pulled the knot tight.
“Escape the sound” I repeated to myself once again as I slipped my cap on over my earbuds, slipped a note onto the front door and slipped out the front door silently. I let the screen door slam shut.
As I vaulted into the night, I felt myself shudder as I saw my breath in front of my face. Music blazed in my ears at full blast. It penetrated my mind and soul and wrapped its warmth around me as I felt my veins throbbing through my arms and legs.
I thought of the sound again and I tripped.
I flung onto the ground and braced myself as I slammed onto the concrete. My knee began to singe with pain, yet I forced myself to my feet and continued to scream into the night. No pain, no gain.
I returned home, by lungs breathing smoke and my mind completely blank. Walking past two shadowed figures, I shambled into my room, slowly closing the door to my room. I glanced out to see a pair of eyes staring at me as my view shifted to the ground, my lips creaking smile.
My hand pulled the door shut and immediately my speakers were rocking the whole house.
I felt myself melt as I surrounded myself in sound and heat inside the shower.
Blank to the world I felt myself existing in this one spot, water running through my hair and down my back. I concentrated on the tune and the heat.
But then I imagined the sound once again.
And the pain in my knee.
And the blood pouring from the wound.
And the blood stained pants.
And the blood pounding in my head.
And the warm water which ran down my face.
And… The thought of how cold I was.
And the warm water which ran down my face…
I had heard this sound before. I controlled the pandemonium in my mind this time. Last time was not so fortunate. I was way warmer then.
Attempting to grip the wall of the shower I began quaking once more.
—-
After the shower I danced like a madman, completely lost in myself.
—-
Later on I came to the realization that what transpired is not fair. It was not fair. It won’t ever be fair.
—-
Life isn’t fair.
Death taught me this.
Fate taught me this.
Love taught me this.
